Hi Babes! I hope you all enjoyed my last recap, it felt so good to be back and writing again. Now it's time I dive into what I briefly mentioned the month of July when I met someone. I want to first start off with how it started and from there I will unravel small details because the truth is not everything deserves to be shared. With that being said, lets get to it.
Hinge: I decided to get on a dating app the silly thing is I never expected to meet someone let alone to start a relationship. If I am being honest I love meeting new people, I never really took the app serious and never had my notifications on so it would take me forever to respond to people if any. Plus let's be real, majority of the men on dating apps are only on there for one thing (hook ups) and IYKYK I'm not about that life. Hinge is said to be known as "The app meant to be deleted" I never thought of it like that until I started talking to the guy I began seeing<3. Down below is what started it all, and as you can see he had to double text me LOL I never let him forget that either because it became part of our story.
Giving him a Chance: In my journal I found this post from last year of when I first met him. I said "I have met this guy on hinge and I am a little hesitant to give him a chance because I have been hurt, and I am scared of getting hurt again and this being too good to be true but only time will tell". Our first date we went to the dodgers game because he had season tickets. It was such a great first date, it was a very hot sunny day in LA so we walked around a lot. We got to talk so much and from the beginning I set the tone and boundaries of my expectations and what I wanted in a relationship since I was turning 30 the next year. So evidently, there was no surprise that I was not dating to waste my time. He told me about his past relationship and how he always gave so much love to his partner but it was never returned. he said the next person he would make his GF would be because he saw a future with them. I explained how it was the same for me and that although I didn't let my last relationship change me and who I was, I was not going to accept nothing below what I deserved since I had been taken advantage of before. So ironic that we had that in common, yet in the end I feel like he still took advantage of me by stringing me along for who knows how long.
A beautiful journey: Getting to know one another leading into our official relationship spending time with one another. The long phone conversations, the FaceTime calls, missing each other not being able to wait for the weekend in order to see each other. The butterflies you get when they text your phone or you see them calling, the way your face lights up when you hear their voice. If I am being honest looking back now this is when I felt the most loved by him. He tried the most and would plan dates a week in advanced. We would go out almost every weekend and it truly was some of the best memories. I am smiling as I type this reflecting back to those times. I will just have to remember those times for what it was in the moment because what was will never be again. Understanding that memories are meant to be made but also not to stay living in the memory. I remember he would talk to my friends about me and how shocked he was that he was dating someone like me but that he knew from the beginning that I was a great catch. I found these screenshots of tweets I tweeted last year. Finding those now is kind of sad only because of how things changed eventually, he stopped putting in the effort he once did.
October 2022: Three months into our talking/dating stage he finally asked me out. It was honestly something that I did not see coming let alone the way that he did it. He had put so much effort and time into doing so. Even making a fake wedding invitation, making me believe we were going to his cousins wedding when in reality, he had a picnic setup at the beach to ask me to be his girlfriend. It was everything I had ever wanted and never did I expect this. I couldn't believe what had just happened tbh. I remember looking back at videos of us dancing on the beach and pictures from that day just in awe of appreciation thanking God that I finally got someone who was appreciating and valuing me or as I said at the time what I prayed to God for. He asked me to become his girlfriend on October 22, 2023. Here's a video I posted on tiktok a few weeks after in which it ended up going a bit viral.
The Good: We truly had a great relationship, we never fought we always communicated how one another felt and we just worked really well together. There was never a time where I didn't feel secure in the relationship. I knew I never had to question him with anything because I just knew he was a good one. Our women intuition never lies and I am just so grateful to have had that secureness when I did. I can't explain it but he made me feel safe and knowing my past it made me happy to feel peace within the relationship. I was finally living my "If he wanted to he would" and my private life happy life, which is something I said I would have for my next relationship. It was hard because I wanted to share how happy I was, and what a great person I had beside me after all of the bad I had endured in my first relationship. See, I was living a private but not a secret life, those close to me knew of my relationship and how happy I was and that is all that mattered. In reality we don't have to prove to anyone about being happy.Some little moments of us together so that you guys can get a feel of the relationship at least a little.
My relationship soon became an example for others to use because my then BF at the time set the bar high with how he was treating me. He had a lot of great qualities that I was looking for in a future partner. I wrote in my journal the things I liked about him and I also wrote him a personal letter that I later gave to him. As time went on our relationship kept growing. At the beginning of 2023 we started our fitness journey together. Just like me, he was already into the gym but we started working out together and meal prepping too. It was something that became a routine for us both and I enjoyed it because I wanted someone who had the same interest as me and who also wanted to become a better version of themselves. This also meant holding each other accountable to keep going and maintaining the consistency that you need in order to get to where you want to be. We had a gym and meal prepping routine from January until May because that was when we stopped working out together and stopped training with his trainer. I continued my gym journey on my own since I had the time and didn't want to lose the weight I had put on.
Hehehe. So many fun things happened during those months and after. I want to reiterate how great our relationship was. I have so many pictures and videos from our outings including double dates that we would go on<3. I enjoyed having that be part of our story.
The Reality: If you have ever been in a relationship you know the first phase is known as the Honeymoon phase. I believe at first he was so into me and wanted to show me he is was capable of being the person in which I desired. For example, the little things he would do for me and the way that he asked me out was a big deal. This is where I feel he set himself up for failure. What do I mean by that? He had an idea of being able to meet my expectations but he was not able to obtain it. Basically, he introduced me to a vibe that he couldn't maintain unfortunately. As time went on things began to occur in his life in which I was very understanding, so we wouldn't go out and we would just spend time at home but I didn't mind. Furthermore, time had passed and I realized things felt different, he stopped making our relationship a priority so I had a conversation with him. Here I told him how I felt and what I wanted to see change. He apologized and understood where I was coming from he even told me he appreciated that I was communicating with him. He gave me the reassurance I needed at the time admitting that he will make a change because he doesn't want there to be a second conversation let alone a third because he knew what happens after that aka a breakup. Evidently, I got an answer to how I felt but there were no actions made..nothing had changed.
The Ugly: The ending to something beautiful our relationship. There is nothing more hurtful then watching your partner fall out of love with you. Seeing how there smile has changed and there eyes when they tell you they love you because they no longer feel it. It saddens me as I type this thinking back to where I was at 2 months ago to where I am at now. As I look back at videos of us, I try to pin point where did things go wrong. When did he fall out of love with me and why? He made me believe we had a future together and he was so certain of it. Truth is I was looking for answers that I might never get or find. I have to remember it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him because like he told me "It's not you it's me". My BF at the time and I hadn't seen each other in two weeks, if I didn't mention hanging out he wouldn't bring it up either. On September 28th 2023 My grandpa passed away. I was devastated and broken with the news. My BF ended up sending me flowers for the first time. All I ever wanted was for him to show up give me a hug and tell me everything would be okay. Fast forward three days later, on October first before our double date we met up at a coffee shop. When I sat with him at the table he didn't get up and give me a hug, he instead gave me a handshake which caught me off guard because I had just lost my grandpa and hadn't seen him in a while. It was such a great day that I didn't know if I should have the conversation with him but as we drove to my house the way I was feeling told me to. So I spoke to him telling him that I felt as if he was checked out of the relationship because I was no longer a priority still. He told me he knew a conversation was going to happen and he kept saying he was a shitty boyfriend and an asshole because he knew he wasn't given me the same love I was given him. Something that stood out to me was when he said "he had not carried his weight and wasn't treating me how I deserved because he was comfortable and he was okay with it but knew I wasn't. He said "I thought the bare minimum of what i was doing was enough" He later told me he didn't deserve me and that if someone better came along and gave me what he couldn't he would have to be okay with seeing that someone was giving me what he couldn't or didn't want to in the end. This day he told me he didn't want to end the relationship if I was willing to "RIDE IT OUT" and accept what he was giving me. He knew I really wanted to be with him I made myself clear that although I felt sad I loved him and always wanted it to be us in the end. We decided we would act like we never had this conversation and would talk about it later when we have time to think.
Accepting what is, and letting go of what was: Two weeks had passed by since the conversation in those two weeks I went over to his house both weekends. Everything felt fine, I had high hopes in regards to our relationship. If anything I felt him more lovable, and more caring, only time I felt things were off were during the week when text messages became short and he also wasn't telling me he loved me sometimes. The week of our anniversary we agreed that he would come talk to me in person. Our anniversary would have been on 10/22. On October 18th, 2023 he came over and it was then when he decided to end the relationship.
Things he said I can't forget: "The last two weekends were great but I still felt like there was something missing, I felt comfortable with you, I didn't feel a spark there and I don't know why. I felt like I was hanging out with a friend, like there was something missing". Imagine your partner telling you those words but then hearing them say that they do love you and care about you but their actions are saying otherwise. I knew it! What I feared was coming true, he was checked out of the relationship. I just didn't understand how he went from "Lets ride it out" to then breaking up with me. You don't just fall out of love with someone from one day to another. I think the saddest thing is I had hope, I was holding onto something that wasn't meant to be held onto. What made me realize he knew he was going to end it and confirmed to me he was checked out.
1. He had NO plans four our anniversary and he didn't have any gifts for me.
2. He had a halloween party that he didn't tell me about and I found out by his mom the last weekend I was over which means he didn't see us making it.
I'm not going to sit here and lie of course I was hurt. I couldn't believe the person I loved and saw a future with was breaking up with me especially two weeks after my grandpa had died. He left me at my most vulnerable moment and If I could go back to the night he ended it, I wish I could just give Jessica a hug. Why? Even when he was breaking my heart I was nothing but empathetic towards his feelings and I was reassuring him that everything would be okay. I would always give him reassurance because I was looking for it myself. It has now been two months since the breakup and I have realized a lot. I have to let go of the person and the memories that could've been if we were still together because that doesn't exist. What does exist is the person I am today and the person I have to continue to grow into being for myself tomorrow.
What I am Taking away from this: Maybe we were meant to meet but not meant to be. I came into his life for a reason and I was meant to be his light temporary. He was missing or lacked the ability to love me because he wasn't able to love parts of himself. I love the person he was in the past not the person he is right now. I miss the memories we had together and how we can just be ourselves with each other his silliness that brightened up my day. He is not a bad person he's just not my person and that's okay. Even though he is broken it does not reflect who I am. I was in love with the way I loved him and how I felt loving him, I realized it was not about him I AM THE LOVE.
To my readers If you made it this far, thank you! Remember heartbreak doesn't mean the end of the world it means a start to a beautiful journey in finding yourself again.
"You can be anyone's dream girl, he just wasn't his dream self" -Remi