Hi guys, I know it’s been a long time awaiting so what better way to launch a blog than being quarantined. As some of you may know I recently went through my first break up. I decided this would be my first blog post because so many of you have privately messaged me, asking me how I’m doing and how I keep my head held high. All though social media isn’t all what it seems I do want to say just like you I had my moments where there was nothing I could do except cry. I had so many unanswered questions; the why’s, what did I do to deserve this? The would this had happened had we not been quarantined?! How long was he cheating on me for?! Like I said so many things crossed my mind but the minute I stopped putting so much energy into something so toxic I felt my energy lifted. If you know me personally you know that I have always been faithful I have always had a relationship with God.
The changes: I told God to send someone to me when I was ready and he did. But maybe God wanted to show me what a bad relationship could be so that when and if I meet someone new I already know what it would be like to be in a bad one. And not to ignore the frequent red flags thrown my way.
Breaking point: I don’t want to brag but our relationship was pretty close to perfect. We rarely fought we were always together for the most part. I was commuting to him all the time because he had the excuse of not having his tags paid to not come and see me. After a while, it became old because if I didn’t put any effort into seeing him he wouldn’t come and see me. We rarely fought and all though I never officially lived with him it was like I did, the person I fell in love with did not turn out to be who I thought he was. If you are reading this I am sharing my story because I hope to inspire you and help if you are going through something similar. Just like that saying "don’t go looking for what could hurt you more". It’s completely opposite for me, I never got the answers I needed from him because he wasn’t man enough to admit his truths nor man enough to confront me. So I went looking for answers on my own and I found them, it was the closure I needed. I’m the type of person that likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, I am too nice and that’s why people mistake my kindness for weakness. He sure did know how to play his cards right. If you are like me & there comes a time in your relationship where things that seem minor come up please do not ignore them.
The Red flags: I had someone message me back in October *screenshot pictures below* I thought it was strange, yes, but I also never thought anything of it because the profile seemed fake.
Two weeks later his Ex-girlfriend is texting him and she felt comfortable enough to FaceTime him late at night while I was there. He told me he blocked her and deleted her number but that was a lie.
I woke up once to a notification that he was on Instagram live with some girl. His excuse as to why is invalid. So me being a girl I creeped this girls profile and found this *screenshot below*
No one is going to say “before I say something that gets you into trouble" unless there were flirty comments exchanged before.
January: The first week of the new year I caught him texting his ex-girlfriend. Which broke me because 1. He lied to me about blocking her. 2. He texted back while being with me 3. He called her LOVE. The screen shots below are text messages he had texted me the same day when I caught him texting his Ex.
God was clearly sending me signs, I should’ve left him then but I was naive and I loved him.
One of the biggest things I've always been told is to never doubt your intuition, there were two times I had a dream that he cheated on me. I did tell him about it the first time it happened here is how he responded. *screen shot below*
Last but not least his cellphone was always facing down no matter what. There are probably more signs that were thrown my way but I was blinded.
March 2020 the downfall: we were about to hit our one year mark, a huge milestone in any relationship. He had been counting the weeks down, we are in quarantined so not much we could do which was a blessing in disguise for me because I had already made plans prior to being quarantined to celebrate. Our date comes we cooked lasagna, not that I expect anything but at least flowers or a card you would think right? This man gave me nothing. (Which I thought was strange) and then the next day since I had been staying over his house he comes home from work with a cupcake and an anniversary card. I didn’t want to make it a big deal so I casually asked why he didn’t give me something the day of, and again his excuse was invalid but let’s not go there. Soon after our anniversary things rapidly changed, he began to push me away have all of these excuses such as “I’m working late” when he was getting home early. He was letting me believe he’d be home late, so sometimes there were times when he wouldn’t call me because he was “tired from work”. He began drinking every day, he stopped being affectionate towards me. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how many times I tried seeking the truth, how many times I cried to this guy asking him what was wrong if there’s anything I should be worried about. He was keeping me around for his selfish needs, but at the time I didn’t know it. He liked the life of having someone good because let me tell you I firmly believe he won’t EVER find anyone like me. He was right about one thing I am TOO good for him I was TOO good for him, Quite frankly he never deserved someone like me. I was a whole wife to him, cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes leaving him cute little notes to find around the house buying things I thought he would need. I was ready for something he wasn’t ready for but again he liked the idea of having me there and he probably never thought he’d lose me, which is why he was never man enough to tell me the truth. On April 23 I showed up to his house to surprise him with food I had made & with letters I wrote in my journal I thought would be good for him to read. I had a key to his house so I went and didn’t tell him because he told me he would be home late from work. I get there and to my surprise he’s there, just as shocked as he was to see me I was to see him too. He literally told me “Just because you have a key to my house does not mean you can show up whenever you want without letting me know”. This was also the day he said we should take a break I told him why doesn’t he just say we are breaking up? But he kept saying he didn’t want that, he kept saying how I’m gold and he’s silver how he doesn’t know how to meet my expectations, how he doesn’t know how to be romantic and I do (mind you we’ve been together a year) he told me how he’s being selfish because he wants to be with me but that he also does not know what it is that’s going on and why he’s acting the way he was with me. He said that when I caught him texting his ex that he was like “fuck Jessica doesn’t deserve this” yet he strung me along a whole ass year. He also told me how he has nothing to offer BUT his looks. There was a lot of bullshit said that day, I could go on for days. That weekend was the worse for me; I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I would sit in bed crying all day FaceTiming my friends trying to keep my head up but it was the hardest. I lost 8lbs naturally I’m already skinny so that had me super worried plus I couldn’t believe that I had allowed someone take such a huge toll on me mentally and physically.
April 28th: I decided I had to take my power back if this person that said he loved me was not man enough to tell me in person it was another women or that he didn’t want to be with me I did not want him to see me vulnerable again. I had been the only one fighting for this relationship time and time again. So I went to his house grabbed my stuff left the shitty anniversary card he left me and a note on top of it. *pictured below*
That was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, because not only was i letting go of someone i loved but i was also leaving behind my puppy that he did not let me keep. I remember before i left his house Nala did not leave my sight it was like she too felt something was wrong because she kept following me around. I picked her up and cried because i knew it would be the last time I'd see her. </3
At first, I felt guilty because that is not how I would typically handle things but then finding out how he was already saying he was single and “depressed” yet he was out there doing things. He never took me or my feelings into consideration so why should I have any remorse for his. He took me for granted and never once appreciated anything I did for him. Every text, every I love you, every little note he had written for me was all lies. This man never loved me had he had loved me he would have never done anything to hurt me.
3 hours later I then got this text from him *screen shot below*
How funny it is for someone who’s 30 to say it’s not you, it’s me. You’re right it was YOU, I never did anything but love you and again you took me, my time, and my love for granted.If telling people that you broke up with me, that your feelings for me weren't the same, that shit didn't work out and lastly that you didn't want to go behind my back and cheat on me helps you sleep better at night now i realize the kind of person that you are a Narcissist.
My answers: He followed his ex-girlfriend on Instagram the same day I broke up with him which was more than enough. He requested time off While we were together how funny he had all these excuses to not get a day off while I was with him, but he drives to see his Ex-girlfriend who mind you lives in the same area as me.
What I learned: Not everyone you love is going to have pure intentions. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever however they are placed in your life for a reason. This one being that he showed me what not to allow happen. In my opinion people will make time for the people they want to make time for. Guys will promise you the world but doesn't mean they will go through with it & remember actions always speak louder than words.
not everything is butterflies and rainbows
How I coped with this: I remember calling one of my friends the day of, but when it set in when i was all alone this is how i felt. I couldn't put into words exactly the way i was feeling so i thought sharing that video of me feeling vulnerable shows it. I remember there were times where my brother would come into my room trying to cheer me up but I did not want to talk to anyone. In my room alone not able to sleep in the middle of the night I'd wake up crying i felt like i couldn't breathe, it was like I was experiencing anxiety. The feeling of feeling like your whole world is coming to an end. I was devastated, lost, and upset. I couldn't eat I was unable to focus while at work it started effecting me not only physically but mentally too, I felt worthless and unwanted. My mind was playing games with me: was there something i could have done differently? maybe if I didn't go see him as often he would have never changed his ways with me. Was I too loving? too caring? did I not do enough for him? was he just using me all along? what was wrong with me that he had to go searching for something else with his EX and other girls? Was I just an object to him? all of these thoughts that crossed my mind I couldn't let go of. When ever these things crossed my mind I would reach out to my wildcat (Monica) sitting in bed asking her why this happened, telling her why did God want this for me what did i do to deserve this? My wildcat had met him a few times so she too felt disappointed by the monster he turned out to be. Going through a break-up is hard in general but experiencing your first break up during a pandemic where you can't go out to distract yourself was very difficult. I had to find things to do so that I wouldn't just be sad and depressed in my room alone. Writing is something I've always loved so journaling helped me, I started journaling April 5th again and in there it has everything. I wrote detail to detail, every little change I started seeing in him and every little time he’d make me feel like I wasn’t enough.
My wonderful friends: (too many to be named but you all know who you are) I am SO thankful to have such a great support system at a time where I felt alone. every single one of you who'd check in on me, making sure I was eating and letting me know I will get through this I will be okay. I don’t know where I would be without every single one of you who reached out. FaceTiming me while I’m a crying mess looking like a potato making sure I am fine and reminding me that I didn’t lose anything He lost me. My friend Amber came over a few times we would be in my room talking for hours. My best friend Carlos even while being miles and miles away in a different state not once failed me, he even once sent me my favorite pizza (love you B*tch)<3. My friend Nydia who told me I need to Feel in order to heal, those words stuck in my head and every time I'd feel sad and broken I'd remind myself that it was okay because it is part of the healing process. My wise friend Marlyn told me something I thought I'd share "these choppy waters are necessary for your smooth sailing of the future! The important thing is to evolve and have standards you stick by. In the future don't be afraid to put your foot down and walk away when necessary".
My wonderful Mom: I love you so much thank you for being my rock through all of this. Thank you for standing by my side everyday I know you felt my pain because you too felt lied to by him. I am forever grateful to have you as my mother Mi Marcia.
The gym: I started training at the gym on May 6th one week after the break-up. On my first day there I felt very sick as if I was going to vomit, I felt weak and fragile. It had been so long since I worked out so I new I had to start from scratch again. This also helped me to begin eating like I would prior to the break-up, I'd write down my meals and be grateful for every little bite. The motivation I had in me kept me going, this was a great way of getting distracted but also working on myself. Thank you to my trainer Andrei (@andrei.p.a) for not only helping me burn out any frustration I had at the gym but also for pushing me pass my limits.
Where do I get my strength from: I turn to God, my faith is so strong and I know that he has a plan for me. I read the bible and pray every morning and night, instead of turning away from him I choose to turn to him. I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me (phillipians 4:13). I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. While one relationship was falling apart another one was coming together. The only good thing that came out of this relationship is a new friendship with his sister Viv, I think it's something that we both needed in order to continue to grow. Just like his own mom told me it was the best thing to happen to me now rather than later. He never deserved someone like me and who knows maybe one day he’ll have regret or maybe not I do know people like him never change, I have to remember I was fine before I met him I’ll be fine moving forward.
Present Day: It is about two months since I made the best decision to walk away from someone who did not value me. As i previously mentioned going through a break-up while being quarantined is one of the hardest things however, I see it as a blessing in disguise for me. He wasn't the man I would have wanted to spend forever with, It was always me doing everything for him. I stopped putting myself first and that's something you should never do, because you should come first before anyone else. Your happiness should be your first priority instead of worrying about how happy you can make someone else. Since the break up I have been doing a lot of things for myself and things that make me happy. I have learned to be the Jessica I was before I met him and if not an even stronger women than I was before. I am now doing things for myself that he would have never done with or for me since he never took me out on any dates. Once the stay at home order was lifted I took a trip to Lake Havasu with friends and had the time of my life, that was definitely a weekend that I needed. I have found myself going to the beach a lot riding bikes and going on hikes. Dining in has just opened up and I have been taken full advantage going to dinner with friends, there is nothing like getting dressed up feeling good about yourself and being around great company. I also went on a picnic date with my friend Liz which is something I had been wanting to do, we took a drive out to the beach and just enjoyed the fresh air. One of my friends Jenny also gave me a puppy to help with the void of not having my Nala, I am SO thankful for My new puppy Penny<3 she is exactly what I needed.
I have slowly been gaining my confidence back again, by getting up getting ready going out to cute little spots just to take some pictures and feel good about myself because that is what I like to do. Fashion is something that has always helped me, by being able to express myself.
If you are currently going through anything similar just know you are not alone. I want to know how did you cope with it? was there anything that helped you? how did you grow from it? Feel free to message me or comment below, I am sharing my story to help bring light to cheaters & so that you don’t ignore all of the red flags I did and most importantly for the support within each other. This is also to share my strength, Learning to truly love myself.
Thank You for reading and for the support, don't forget to subscribe love always Jessica
xoxo To be Continued.
