Hi Babes! I know it's been a while since I last posted and for that I do apologize. Lately I have been focusing on work, my dog, my family hanging out with friends and of course the gym. I had time to reflect taking time for myself so that I can write ideas for the next blog post to come. I wanted to make sure that my next posts are great and not just something I throw out there just to post something new that has no meaning to it. So before I begin I do want to thank you guys for being patient with me I promise my post are worth the wait.
I recently found myself having one of those off days, where I just wasn't feeling myself. It had been quite a while since I felt like that so it really threw me off. I thought I was past feeling this way but I guess not. I literally felt like I had done a 360 moving backwards instead of forward. I tried my best to brush it off since I did not like how I was feeling. I was also mad at myself for this because I couldn't believe I was feeling unmotivated to do anything that day. I questioned why it was that I was feeling this way, what triggered these emotions and then I quickly realized I was doing everything I could to forget what had happened. I didn't allow myself to properly feel the feelings of what occurs after a break-up because I was doing things to keep myself busy. After reaching out to a few of my friends they let me know that everything I had been feeling was Ok. I was trying so hard to fight what I was feeling that I forgot to realize that my feelings are valid and that I need to acknowledge them before I can continue to move forward. I want to be able to close this chapter of my life and since I never got closure with what happened all of the questions I had mentioned in my first blog post had came back to haunt me.
As you all may know journaling is something I enjoy doing, it is also a way for me to release my emotions instead of bottling them up inside. I had all of these thoughts in my head and I knew the only way I would be able to let go of that is if I wrote it down. So I decided to write a letter to the person who hurt me the most. In order to get everything off my chest I had to mentally put myself back to that last time I saw him. I sat in my room had music that I listened to as I was driving home that day playing. I closed my eyes took a few deep breaths and from there all of the memories hit me. It was so surreal, I remember feeling the hurt I felt that day, only this time instead of crying I wanted to scream. There were so many things I wish I would have said or that I would have done differently. I can't physically go back to that day so I wrote everything in the letter. With that being said here is my way of receiving my closure.
To my biggest lesson learned,
The person who helped me find me thank you
Dear J,
I hate your stinking guts! It has officially been four months since the Break up. wow! I can't believe how quickly time flies, especially when you're having fun. Lets go back to why I'm even writing this. I have had a lot on my mind as of lately. Sometimes I wish I would have told you in your face how much of a coward you are. As I sit here and write this, a lot of things cross my mind. You sure knew what you were doing when you were with me. Dude, did you ever even really love me? Or was it all lies just to get in my pants? I can't believe how much of a narcissist you turned out to be. I don't even know you. I remember you telling me how "maybe we moved too fast". It's funny because I hate that so much before I met you I would have never opened up, let alone give anyone a chance so quickly. I always had my guard up and my walls built but again you knew your way with words. I can't help but think about what would have happened had I said no to you that day. Let's be real the way you asked me to be your girlfriend was ugly. Would you have waited and been patient with me or would you have gone with your other options? I knew I liked you and I was scared you'd walk away had I said "let's wait." I can't change things now but after everything you did to me I wish I would have told you "let's wait" because, clearly my intuition was right about you. I remember the night I met you I tweeted saying "I met someone last night but he reminds me of a fuck boy" and look how you turned out to be. Dude, you are such a piece of shit. I really hope that if and when you think of me it hurts to know you won't ever find anyone like me. I hope it kills you to know that you will never be happy. You will always paint the picture that you are but deep down you won't be. Like you said, you are "fighting your demons." I used to pray for you. I would always put you first before myself and that is where I fucked up. I lost myself with what I thought was love. I can't believe I was so blind-sided. There were so many signs. Sometimes, you made me feel that I wasn't enough when you know I am and was more than enough. Maybe, it was the future that scared you. At the end of the day, I know I was the first person who showed you real love and you know a love like mine you won't find anywhere else. You were SO right about one thing. YOU are selfish and that is why you did not want to let me go. How could you sit there look at me and tell me you loved me when deep down you were out of the relationship or lets just say you were never in it to begin with since you clearly weren't over your ex. You knew what my biggest fear in a relationship was, you promised you'd never hurt me and still you did it knowing it would kill me. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. When you wouldn't fight for me or even cared. All those times I cried for you, I should have known then to walk away sooner then I did. It was always about you. I was helping you find yourself that I forgot about my self-worth in the process. I always thought about our future and our kids and who they would look like the most. Would it be mommies boy or daddies girl first. I remember praying to God about you, telling him how I knew if you were for me he would send a blessing to me. Will you look at that! It was Never you. You will always be the hardest lesson there is in life to learn, never put someone else before you. Thank you for showing me what I don't want. Thank you for showing me the love I am capable of giving. Thank You for giving up on us when you did. Had you kept me around longer for your selfish needs, I would not be where I am today. You were right I AM a strong girl. This is what God wanted. The next time you cross my mind instead of reminiscing or thinking about what could have been, I will smile and be happy for what is. For what was, will never be again. I will continue to work on being an upgraded version of myself, La mejor Version de Mi. I don't wish you the worse but neither the best. You can't continue to play the victim card forever. It gets old. Grow some balls and act your age instead of being a coward. Dude I do not yet forgive you but that is between God and myself as he is the one who gives me the strength I need. One more thing, like Bad Bunny says "ahora soy mas fuerte gracias a todo lo que me hiciste"... "Quedate con el perro pa que de mi te acuerdes."
Sincerely, Jessica
Heres to never looking back & finding peace within me
To my readers thank you for following me in my journey of continuing to love myself. I shared this letter because my blog is an open book and I know again many of you guys can relate to what I went through. I am also sharing this letter because this was my way of getting my closure. I now feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I want to encourage you guys to write a letter to yourself about anything that was traumatic in your life if you didn't get the closure that you needed. You will be impressed with how far you have come as a person and it will definitely help the healing process. I am here to tell you it's going to be okay don't forget to put yourself first and remember God has a purpose for you. If you ever need support that you may not recieve at home I am always here to talk.
Thank You again for the positive feed back you all have been giving me. I appreciate it more than you know. Overall this is exactly what I needed so that I can now share my Self-Love post with you guys. Stay tuned for the next blog post.
xoxo, Love Always Jess